It's Okay Not To Be Okay

This week we was reminded about world mental health day 10|10|16. It was a day where we openly celebrated a subject that isn't spoken about which really should be. It's a subject that people don't want to discuss, it could be because they are scared or had negativity when mentioning about it but its a topic we shouldn't be scared to voice. I'm not one to open up publicly but around 3 months ago I had to. It came to a point where I physically and mentally shut down and I needed help and here it is.. Here is my story

I am someone who deals with a lot of low self esteem, guilt, depression and zero motivation on a daily basis. It's something I have been dealing with by myself for a very long time but more so over the last year. I was a happy kid growing up, I had friends I was always out having fun, attending school which I loved and had the best up bringing and child could wish for but when I was 12/13 I wasn't happy with my life and how I was anymore. I came from a loving home, a Dad and my Grandparents who would be full time parent/guardians when I was 2 weeks old. I left a school that I loved and went to a new one, I still had all my friends and I would make new ones but that wasn't the issue. I remember it like it was yesterday, that one comment on my first day of secondary school. Talking about your parents, siblings and that one comment that I would have to answer all the time and lead to a discussion I don't like talking about. And that question is this  'Don't you have a Mum?'

When I was growing up my Mum was my Nan. My Nan was the person I called Mum. No one asked me why when I was growing up they just all seemed to get it that my Nan was my Mum. No questioned me why I didn't have a Mum it wasn't something I fully understood. My Mum was someone I saw every Sunday or other Sunday for a hour. Some who sent me a card every birthday and christmas up until I was 15. She was someone who didn't want me from the moment she found out she had me in her womb. Someone who didn't try to have a relationship with me and someone who always lied to me. The thing that started my slow and long 10 years of deep depression dealing with this issues is telling me at the age of 13 she never wanted me in the first place. For 10 years thats a moment I have replayed in my head, even when I have a happy day that memory can make me so low that I can't even smile. When I was 13 I asked my Dad the whole story on why Mum was never there and every possible question I had, with everything he told me and since that day with my Mum I haven't had contact with her and I don't think I ever will.. I'm not ready to face it again

Fast forward a few months I started to get back on track but not for long. I think age 13-15 was the hardest for me, It was a time when I didn't feel like I was fitting in and dealing with my personal issue alone. I had friends but I never had best friends who I felt should know everything and share secrets with. I felt like I couldn't be me around them, I was a shadow trying to fit in with the crowed and I started acting up. I got in to trouble, I bunked school and did things I shouldn't of and I was horrible to my Dad and Grandparents as I always acted up. It was just a path way to a place I didn't want to be. I wasn't being myself I did what my friends wanted and what they wanted me to do then it came to a time when I realised what I was doing and who I turned in to so I stopped. My friends stopped calling and ignored me and I had no friends. I was alone so started making myself ill so I didn't have to go to school. Until one day it changed I became friends with some girls who I am friends with now who liked me for me and honestly they have seen me in my worst stage and best and without them I don't know what I would do!

Age 16/17 time had come to leave school and came my first long term relationship with someone who was 5 years older than me. Now this is where my low self esteem and lack in confident happened. I will admit something about him when I first met him was love at first sight. He was someone who accepted me for me and this was something that made me so happy. The first year of our relationship was perfect - or I though it was. He was very good at mind games, he stopped me going to prom because it was with someone who I had dated previously, I couldn't go out with friends in the summer, he took my bank cards and took total control on my finance which left me with debt, just so many things he did and I was blind until my friends started arguing with me because he was the main cause. I took a step back from the relationship and ended it and I saw it all. I saw how controlled I was and how he played with my emotions and my mind. Then 3 months later I went back to him again and for the next 2 years I experienced things I never thought would happened to me. I left the relationship damaged, a lesser version of myself, scared and zero confidence and all it took was a night out with old school friends and police to actually wake me up and see danger I let myself take on and was blinded by and see that the past 2 years was the biggest mistake of my life and a wake up call because I hate to think what more could of happened.

Fast forward the next 3 years and I am slowly getting back on track. I have days when I am so full of life, happy and even confident but then I have days when I will be bed bound, zero energy, not wanting to see people because my mind is just so damaged from what I have been through. Its hard to imagine the amount of feelings and things I have had to deal with alone over the last 10 years that Im shocked I didn't break down sooner. 4 months ago I was sick of feeling so sorry for myself that I went to the doctors to seek help. They took blood did some test but told me I am suffering from depression. It something I don't want to face because to me I wouldn't say I am depressed I mean yeah I can see it but I don't class myself as it. I think everyone see's depression as such a bad thing that I actually was scared to admit. I wasn't till I told my family and friends for everyone to say yeah I could see it but I couldn't till a Doctor told me. Honestly the amount of support I get from my friends and family is amazing - I'd be lost without them. I have a daily thought of if I could go back 10 years and change it I would because I want a life I am happy to be in. I want to wake up happy everyday and not be scared. Its something which will take time but I am looking forward to the day I wake up and have nothing to be afraid of. So if your depressed, or suffering with mental health speak up. Don't be ashamed because its something we need to be honest about and tell people how you feel.

Just remember its okay not to be okay.

xoxo



Photographed by Jess